Vanilla Ice "I Love You" Review

Foreword:

There comes a time when one must decide, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?". A lack of structure brings a lack of discipline; I have witnessed the free will of many comrades set course for a life without blogs. Today is a sad, yet reflective day. Amongst the ashes of fallen comrades, shall Da Musical Menace persevere and continue blogging? Or will he submit to the forces of freedom and aimlessly roam the smoke filled clubs of the underground? For now, my decision remains a secret. Instead of discussing such serious matters off the bat, I have decided first to reflect on this semester of blogging with a review.

Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" was the first song to feel the wrath of Da Musical Menace. In this time of reflection, I have decided to look to Vanilla Ice again for inspiration. Today marks a moment in time when many have decided to discontinue their online muses, in favor of new endeavors. When the semester began, many of my fellow students were frightened at the thought of maintaining a blog. What were we to write? How could we maintain so many postings on a single topic? What the hell would that topic even be? Some dropped at the thought of such ramblings. What remained were the few, the proud, the blog posters! We stood tall in an unfamiliar setting and persevered in the face of uncertainty. This review is my version of a farewell to the people that have taken this journey with me. So it is only fitting that my last official post end, where my first review began, with Vanilla-Fucking-Ice.


Review:

Vanilla Ice "I Love You"
When you hear the name Vanilla Ice, you probably think "Ice Ice Baby". The song is synonymous with Vanilla Ice, and many think that it was the worst song of the 90s. However, when searching for terrible music, you shouldn't look any further than Vanilla Ice's album, "To The Extreme". "To The Extreme" is riddled with terrible music, and the albums showpiece of suck has to be "I Love You". This song makes "Ice Ice Baby" look like a timeless classic. Hell, "I Love You" actually makes Daphne and Celeste look like accomplished artists. Okay okay, I take that back, no music is worse than Daphne and Celeste.

However, Vanilla Ice took a real stab at the top honors for suckage with "I Love You". What do you get when you take a pathetic, unemotional rapper, and mix him with a generic attempt at a love song? Terror! I hate to even utter the syllables, but Vanilla Ice should have just stuck with rap. "I Love You" is the epitome of garbage. When you see the video, I swear that you can actually smell it too. The stench of roadkill is reminiscent of roses in comparison to Ice's love song. If this song were a food, it would be turkey bacon. Why? Because some may act like it's authentic, but the people eating the real shit know the truth. The turkey bacon community can't handle the truth, and neither can Vanilla Ice's fan club.

So, what makes "I Love You" worse than "Ice Ice Baby"? Have you watched the video? If so, then you have no right asking. You know what you saw, and sadly, you may never forget it. I apologize, if it isn't too late. However, I had to present the evidence as a main course to the review. Besides, words are much too low-cal to fill you up. You needed some meat in your diet. I do apologize that the meat was tough, but, if it's any consolation, "I Love You":

Verse 1, Chorus, etc

Girl I keep thinking, Of how I feel, When I'm in your arms, Gives me a chill, Just knowing that you want me, By your side, Mellows my mind, And enhances my pride, Girl I need you more, And more each day, Believe me when I tell you, I'm here to stay, I'm captured by your love and your pretty smile, Your devastating beauty, And your sweet profile, I love you, Cause I love you, I love you, Cause I love you, You're so fine, Let's wine and dine, I'm so happy, That you are mine, Thinking of you, I melt with desire, Take you in my arms, Let love take us higher, To hear you talk, Sounds so sweet, When you're close to me, I feel your heat, Girl I want you, And you want me, And it'll last, Until eternity, You're like the stone, Falling from the sky, So clean, Like the look in your eye, Your my queen, I'll buy you everything, Yes girl, Even diamond rings, Cause your my lady, And this love is true, Every sunset, Makes me think of you, And I'll never forget, What you mean to me, Comin' straight from the heart, Of Vanilla Icey-E

Vanilla Icey-E? Are you serious? Sadly, he was dead fucking serious. This is pathetic. I mean, you're writing a song that will be heard by the entire country and you produce this crap? I don't understand... who picked this broken idea off of the cutting room floor? Where the hell is Donald Trump when someone needs to get fired? Additionally, why the hell do you whisper the whole damn song, Ice? Does your feminine tone impress the ladies? Shit, I have a tear in my eye for each of the women you seduced with this garbage. I guarantee those bimbos are spending way too much on their car insurance.

In conclusion, "I Love You" rightfully deserved a spot on my blog; it sucks to the point of being funny. The song actually managed to lower the bar set by "Ice Ice Baby", which is a pretty difficult achievement. So bravo, Vanilla Icey-E, your timeless tracks will ensure that my case of insomnia will never be cured. So, with sleep in my eyes I say: Do not pity me, For I am, Da Musical Menace.



Reflection:

While many may think that I reviewed terrible songs merely to bash them with hateful quips and one-liners, my goal all semester was actually to produce laughter. I hated on these songs because it was fun, and it gave me a sense of fulfillment. Most reviews I conducted were produced solely to extract revenge for a musically painful childhood.

I don't believe life should be taken too seriously, and neither should this blog. Whatever course life takes you on, always remember to laugh at the same things that drive you. Sometimes your game face can get a bit too heavy, so take it off and breath every now and then. Your goals and dreams will still be there when you return.

As for me, I will continue this blog until I have uncovered every terrible song released in the 90s. Da Musical Menace has far too much unfinished business to quit now. You're stuck with me. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha...

Check back soon for exciting new reviews!



Da Menace

Spice Girls "Wannabe" Review

Spice Girls "Wannabe"


Hello, and welcome to another week of joy and laughter. Today, I will examine "Wannabe" by The Spice Girls. Oh, The Spice Girls, such a wonderful group of women; I love them all. I especially love the intimately deep and melodic grooves they kick. Whenever I'm feeling lonely, I always reach for the Spice Girls to inspire me. Considering that The Spice Girls are so amazing, I found it especially difficult to choose the right song to celebrate. However, after much deliberation, I chose to review a song that was near and dear to my heart for months: "Wannabe".

Although The Spice Girls have a robust body of work, I feel that "Wannabe" is the embodiment of the band. The song delivers on every level, it's a showpiece that emphasizes the active lives of The Spice Girls. The melody is inspiring; Who knew I could be so engrossed by simple base lines and single note guitar riffs? The musicians have their scales mastered, they can transition through notes like nobodies business. Who needs intricate music when simplicity is so much more... um... simple. The Spice Girls are such great musicians, in fact, that they don't even play anymore; such trivial tasks are left to the ugly people.

The Spice Girls have to focus on more important matters, like dancing. Have you seen the "Wannabe" video? I intentionally posted it 24 hours before my review, so that you could bask in its greatness. The Spice Girls rock that video with some of the most brilliant dancing ever. Who needs choreography? Not The Spice Girls, they are much too gorgeous to be contained by such rigid industry standards. Beautiful women are great at everything. Name one beautiful woman who wasn't (Tanya Harding is NOT a beautiful woman).

In fact, as seen in the video, The Spice Girls are also prestigious actors. Why just get to the point and sing the song, when you can prolong it with a brilliantly deep and meaningful preface? "Wannabe" is the poster child of meaningful prefaces. The Spice Girls precisely plotted the direction of their preface, and sculpted it to introduce their chart dropping single with a bang. As seen at the onset of the fabulous video, The Spice Girls run from a cab, play Hop-Scotch, and sing Capella to random strangers. While the above actions may seem random and uncoordinated, I assure you that they all have deep emotional meaning. The girls play Hop-Scotch because they had to grow up fast in tough neighborhoods. They run from a cab because the color yellow signifies the sons they never had, and they sing a Capella to cry out for love in a cruel, unjust world.

Just imagine, our wonderful discussion about The Spice Girls has just begun. Are you as excited as I am to review "Wannabe" by The Spice Girls? I thought so! Great, cause my popcorn just finished cooking. See, this is exciting for me too; as much as I love The Spice Girls, I haven't actually analyzed their lyrics. I usually just dance myself into a brain freeze and go to bed while listening. Besides, who cares about analyzing lyrics right? I'm usually much too shallow to consider such an arduous task. Today, however, I will bypass my shallowness long enough to review this song.

Chorus, First, and Second Verse:

Ha ha ha ha Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want, so tell me what you want, what you really, really want, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really, really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really want a zigazig-ah, If you want my future, forget my past, if you wanna get with me, better make it fast, now don't go wastin', my precious time, get your act together we could be just fine, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want, so tell me what you want, what you really, really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really want a zigazig-ah, If you wanna be my lover, You gotta get with my friends, make it last forever, friendship never ends, If you wanna be my lover, You have got to give, Takin' is to easy, But that's the way it is, What you think about that? Now you know how I feel, say you could handle my love, are you for real? are you for real? I won't be hasty, I'll give you a try, if you really bug me then I'll say goodbye...

Speechless? I can tell that you are stunned, moved ever so slightly, by the impact of these fantastic lyrics. How could you feel any other way? The girls start the song with laughter, followed by a stiff "Yo". Both methods are blueprints to be followed for making serious music. The girls then transition into an explanation of what they really, really want. Apparently, they really, really want a zigazig-ah. While the word "zigazig-ah" may be utter gibberish, I can explain it's meaning in the context of "Wannabe". However, I won't bore you with the small details. Afterwards, they mention that: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends".

Are you fucking kidding me? This is preposterous. Are you suggesting that I sleep with all your friends? What kind of women are you? That's it, I've fucking had it. I can't pretend to like this song any fucking more. No more lies. Besides, "zigazig-ah" is a fucking filler, The Spice Girls couldn't generate a fucking real word. They are much too beautiful to have minds of their own, or at least that's what the industry suggests. The industry produced The Spice Girls to sell with looks, and sell they did; they fucking sold out. They followed in the footsteps of many innocent souls looking for success; does that make them victims? No! It makes them ignorant.

And "Wannabe" is ignorant too; the song is a fucking letdown. How many times you gonna suggest telling me what you really really want, before actually saying what you want? I don't get it, is this some kind of endurance test? Am I supposed to totally ignore the thesis of your song? And why the hell does "G-Loc MC likes it in your face"? Isn't this song structured to attract listeners of all ages? I've had it up to beer with this shit. Hmm, Samuel Adams or Guiness? How 'bout both, shotgunned. Do not pity me, for I am,

Da Musical Menace