There comes a time when one must decide, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?". A lack of structure brings a lack of discipline; I have witnessed the free will of many comrades set course for a life without blogs. Today is a sad, yet reflective day. Amongst the ashes of fallen comrades, shall Da Musical Menace persevere and continue blogging? Or will he submit to the forces of freedom and aimlessly roam the smoke filled clubs of the underground? For now, my decision remains a secret. Instead of discussing such serious matters off the bat, I have decided first to reflect on this semester of blogging with a review.
Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" was the first song to feel the wrath of Da Musical Menace. In this time of reflection, I have decided to look to Vanilla Ice again for inspiration. Today marks a moment in time when many have decided to discontinue their online muses, in favor of new endeavors. When the semester began, many of my fellow students were frightened at the thought of maintaining a blog. What were we to write? How could we maintain so many postings on a single topic? What the hell would that topic even be? Some dropped at the thought of such ramblings. What remained were the few, the proud, the blog posters! We stood tall in an unfamiliar setting and persevered in the face of uncertainty. This review is my version of a farewell to the people that have taken this journey with me. So it is only fitting that my last official post end, where my first review began, with Vanilla-Fucking-Ice.
Review:
Vanilla Ice "I Love You"
When you hear the name Vanilla Ice, you probably think "Ice Ice Baby". The song is synonymous with Vanilla Ice, and many think that it was the worst song of the 90s. However, when searching for terrible music, you shouldn't look any further than Vanilla Ice's album, "To The Extreme". "To The Extreme" is riddled with terrible music, and the albums showpiece of suck has to be "I Love You". This song makes "Ice Ice Baby" look like a timeless classic. Hell, "I Love You" actually makes Daphne and Celeste look like accomplished artists. Okay okay, I take that back, no music is worse than Daphne and Celeste.
However, Vanilla Ice took a real stab at the top honors for suckage with "I Love You". What do you get when you take a pathetic, unemotional rapper, and mix him with a generic attempt at a love song? Terror! I hate to even utter the syllables, but Vanilla Ice should have just stuck with rap. "I Love You" is the epitome of garbage. When you see the video, I swear that you can actually smell it too. The stench of roadkill is reminiscent of roses in comparison to Ice's love song. If this song were a food, it would be turkey bacon. Why? Because some may act like it's authentic, but the people eating the real shit know the truth. The turkey bacon community can't handle the truth, and neither can Vanilla Ice's fan club.
So, what makes "I Love You" worse than "Ice Ice Baby"? Have you watched the video? If so, then you have no right asking. You know what you saw, and sadly, you may never forget it. I apologize, if it isn't too late. However, I had to present the evidence as a main course to the review. Besides, words are much too low-cal to fill you up. You needed some meat in your diet. I do apologize that the meat was tough, but, if it's any consolation, "I Love You":
Verse 1, Chorus, etc
Girl I keep thinking, Of how I feel, When I'm in your arms, Gives me a chill, Just knowing that you want me, By your side, Mellows my mind, And enhances my pride, Girl I need you more, And more each day, Believe me when I tell you, I'm here to stay, I'm captured by your love and your pretty smile, Your devastating beauty, And your sweet profile, I love you, Cause I love you, I love you, Cause I love you, You're so fine, Let's wine and dine, I'm so happy, That you are mine, Thinking of you, I melt with desire, Take you in my arms, Let love take us higher, To hear you talk, Sounds so sweet, When you're close to me, I feel your heat, Girl I want you, And you want me, And it'll last, Until eternity, You're like the stone, Falling from the sky, So clean, Like the look in your eye, Your my queen, I'll buy you everything, Yes girl, Even diamond rings, Cause your my lady, And this love is true, Every sunset, Makes me think of you, And I'll never forget, What you mean to me, Comin' straight from the heart, Of Vanilla Icey-E
Vanilla Icey-E? Are you serious? Sadly, he was dead fucking serious. This is pathetic. I mean, you're writing a song that will be heard by the entire country and you produce this crap? I don't understand... who picked this broken idea off of the cutting room floor? Where the hell is Donald Trump when someone needs to get fired? Additionally, why the hell do you whisper the whole damn song, Ice? Does your feminine tone impress the ladies? Shit, I have a tear in my eye for each of the women you seduced with this garbage. I guarantee those bimbos are spending way too much on their car insurance.
In conclusion, "I Love You" rightfully deserved a spot on my blog; it sucks to the point of being funny. The song actually managed to lower the bar set by "Ice Ice Baby", which is a pretty difficult achievement. So bravo, Vanilla Icey-E, your timeless tracks will ensure that my case of insomnia will never be cured. So, with sleep in my eyes I say: Do not pity me, For I am, Da Musical Menace.
Reflection:
While many may think that I reviewed terrible songs merely to bash them with hateful quips and one-liners, my goal all semester was actually to produce laughter. I hated on these songs because it was fun, and it gave me a sense of fulfillment. Most reviews I conducted were produced solely to extract revenge for a musically painful childhood.
I don't believe life should be taken too seriously, and neither should this blog. Whatever course life takes you on, always remember to laugh at the same things that drive you. Sometimes your game face can get a bit too heavy, so take it off and breath every now and then. Your goals and dreams will still be there when you return.
As for me, I will continue this blog until I have uncovered every terrible song released in the 90s. Da Musical Menace has far too much unfinished business to quit now. You're stuck with me. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha...
Check back soon for exciting new reviews!
Da Menace
Vanilla Ice has become a very difficult artist to either adamantly protest or protect. This comes because he is utterly a horrible artist with not much music to his name, and yet his song has become so famously bad and well known that we wonder if we can really call him bad. Obviously, even a bad song has made him famous and rich. Was the song that bad? We bought the cd. We googled the lyrics. And we choose it every thursday night at karoake. It is interesting to think that this song is so popular probably because we found it so bad that we passed it on to all our friends and talked about it on the radios and blogs.
ReplyDeleteOn the contrary actnaturally11, Vanilla Ice actually has a slew of recording released from his horrific pop releases in the early nineties to his metal releases over the years. I'm not saying any of his recordings are any good, but they're at least good for a laugh and serve some comedic value. Hell, him and MC Hammer recently had a comeback concert in Utah, let's just hope they keep it at that!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.newsweek.com/id/188027