Backstreet Boys "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" Review

Da Musical Menace has finally returned from an extended mental evaluation. The doctors say I can continue reviewing shitty music despite its terrible consequences to my health; fuck the doctors, I thought I was free, bitches. After filling my pockets with free bags of cheerios, I left the nuthouse with an urge to see just how much abuse I could handle. On my way out, I almost stepped in a pile of shit that reminded me of the Backstreet Boys. As I dodged the choco dog chode and executed a spin move to avoid a meth head with a lust for quarters, I thought of just how fucking terrible that damn song “Everybody” is. Fate is a motherfucker, isn’t it? However twisted the logic is, I can’t ignore the signs, the day has come to collect a fucking debt. The Backstreet Boys plagued radio stations for far too long, and my teenage years want revenge.

Did you know that the Backstreet Bitches are releasing another album on October 6th? Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s fucking true. The album is called “This Is Us.” Shut the fuck up… are you serious? They named it “This Is Us”? Tell me something I don’t know geniuses. The sad part is that they probably had to get a producer to come up with the name. If the album title is any indication of the creativity included in the songs, then we are in for one hell of a plane crash. Houston, we’re glad we don’t have radios. I pray with every fiber of my broken being that this album tanks. I hope the backlash from music fans force the Backstreet Boys to relocate to Kenya. I don’t care if the album is good, I’ll still protest in the streets, and I’m looking for a few good men (to fetch me water and hold signs). Let’s take a stand for music, people. Okay, okay, I’ll do the review now, you impatient bastards.


Backstreet Boys “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” Review:

So the video begins when the Backstreet Boy’s bus breaks down, and the group is forced to take shelter in a haunted house. The fucking haunted house is the victim here folks… I can just imagine a line of ghosts lugging suitcases out the back door. “Fuck this, backsteet’s back, we’ll find a new crib to crash.” Can you blame them? They lived a life so hellish that they remain on earth after death; only to come face to face with the fucking Backstreet Boys harassing their hacienda… that’s bullshit. God forgot those sad sappy suckers; apparently they don’t call attendance in purgatory. Anyways, the Backstreet Boys explore the mansion in fear while screaming at cheap props. Just when you think Ed Wood has been reincarnated to create his Holland’s opus, the music begins:

“Everybody, Rock your body, Everybody, Rock your body right, Backstreet’s back, Alright, Hey, No, Oh my god we’re back again, Brother sister’s everybody sing, Gonna bring the flavor, Show you how, Got a question for ya, Better answer now, Yay, Am I original?, Yeah, Am I the only one?, Yeah, Am I sexual?, Yeah, Am I everything you need you better rock your body now, Everybody, Rock your body, Yeah, Everybody, Rock your body right, Backstreet’s back alright, Alright”

One line sums up my feelings when I watch this video, and the Backstreet Boys were kind enough to include it in their lyrics: “Oh my god we’re back again.” Don’t fucking blame god, Backstreet Boys. If it wasn’t for music television (MTV) your asses would be dressed in Chuck E. Cheese costumes, begging little kids not to kick you in the raisinets. If the purpose of this video was to be scary, let me tell you, it succeeded. This shit makes One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest look like a fucking pop-up book. Also, why in the hell does the group start singing? When I’m scared, I usually walk in the direction opposite of the object projecting fear. I guess next time I see a gunman robbing a liquor store, I’ll walk in and sing him a fucking lullaby... and let him put me to bed. That actually doesn’t seem like such a tough way to go out; it’s much less painful than listening to “Everybody” on repeat. Songs like this shouldn’t be allowed to be repeated; mp3 players should have a ‘backstreet safeguard’ that prevents such atrocities; the iPhone should have an app for these situations, get to work Mr. Jobs.

What the fuck is up with the costumes in this video? There’s a vampire trying to impersonate Tyler Durden (0:47-0:48), Two-Face from Batman Forever (1:46-1:50), Kano from Mortal Kombat (1:15-1:17), a malnourished steamboat driver, and a fucking transsexual mummy with an appetite for Vienna sausages. If there is one thing in the world that would drive me to guzzle Natty Ice, it’s the Backstreet Boys. While we’re discussing aesthetics, did you witness the dance moves? Sorry to inform you guys, but the fucking running man is dead… let it go. The dancers appear to be directing traffic rather than dancing. Also, the video does not have one iota of pertinence to the song. First thing, the song has more pop than a Katy Perry and Sisqo collaboration, so why in the hell is the video dark? It makes no fucking sense…

Nothing this band ever done has made any fucking sense (except breaking up), and the fact that they are releasing a new album proves it. Boy Bands are dead, let the fuckers rest in peace. I have one more issue to address before I wrap this bitch up. My concern stems from a haunting line in the song: “As long as there’ll be music we’ll be coming back again.” Please don’t threaten me. Seriously, haven’t you girls done enough damage to the music industry? Enough is enough… pack it up, do not pass go, feel free to collect an ass whoopin’ for a hundred dollars. I hate all of you, and what the fuck does "There'll" mean? Do not pity me, for I am, Da Musical Menace.