What's up folks, it's me, Da Musical Menace, back by poopular demand with a fresh new review. Up this week on the Slap Chop is "MMMBop", by the dis-conjoined Hanson sisters. Why did this song ever happen? For real, who's the baby' daddy? When I find him, I got 2 words for his ass: Shoot Blanks! In the meantime, I'm gonna focus my fire on the poots of his labor.
"MMMBop" should have been named "HmmmWhat?", cause I don't have a clue what these bitches are saying. Seriously, I have a better chance figuring out the plot of Lost than understanding the Hansons. Why are women so damn difficult? Just say what you want, ladies. Make it easy for your small brained counterparts; we are simple beings.
1997 Should be wiped clean of the history books. Delete the whole damn year, well, except for the inauguration of Al Bundy's cousin, Bill Clinton. You know, Bill Clinton could very well have fathered the Hansons; hell, he could be my dad. I just hope I'm not related to the Hanson's, I enjoy being able to walk in public.
Speaking of public, I would like a public explanation of just what the hell is being said in "MMMBop". After hours of painstakingly analyzing the song, I have come up with the lyrics. My ears do not lie folks, and this is what they heard:
"MMMBop" First Verse, Chorus
Hooo, hooo oh ho, hoooo ho, hoooo, yeah, yeah there's many Middle Asians in this life, All we want is two head lice, You go through all the pain and strife, You turn your back, and they're gone so fast, oh yeah, In my cold sweater pants, yeah, ooh, throwin up to the one under the hair, in my hand ~ under your brazier, When you get oysters on your head, Can you tell me who has still hair, can you tell me who has still hair, hoo oh oh, Okay yeah,
MmmmBop, You think you're tough, I do rock, trim it up, I do rock, believe me daph, I do, yeahhhee yeaaa, MmmmBop, You think you're tough, I do rock, trim it up, I do rock, believe me daph, I do, yeahhhee yeaaay, sayin' oh yeah, ey you unwrap the dog, yeahhaa, haaiir
Seriously ladies, was every other song theme taken? I'm fully aware that the head lice pandemic is out of control, but that's no excuse to write a damn song about it. Did somebody checkout all the copies of Songwriting for Dummies? What the hell does mmmbop mean? Better yet, what does it stand for? Hmmm, is it "My Music Must Be Over Played"? Or is it "My Mother Mighta Banged Other People"? I don't know, fuck, I probably couldn't handle the truth.
If you think the first verse is nasty, the chorus will make you feel better... if you're a crackhead. What the fuck ladies? How can you openly admit to smoking crack? Apparently, somebody forgot to do their research on Bobby Brown; his theory is "Don't admit it, Just hit it." Additionally, I want to know who the hell wrapped the dog? What has the dog ever done to you? And why does he love peanut butter? You people are nasty.
Yay, I can't wait to hear the next verse. How about you? Instead, why don't we swan dive off the Brooklyn bridge. You first! No? Okay, well, since we're not leaving, I guess I'll finish the review. "MMMBop" is terrible, and I'll Slap Chop the shit out of anybody who thinks otherwise. You think I'm foolin'? You think I made up the lyrics? Read my lyrics while you watch the video, I dare you. I'm serious, no, I'm super cereal.
Verse 2
Smell my feet ~ feel the shower ~ plant the soap, You can burn the water, Keep smellin', to find out which one floats, It's a secret no one floats, It's a secret no one floats, oh nose, no one floats
Verse 3
Damn I knew Bob was gone, And I knew Mike was not there, Damn I knew Bob was gone, And I knew Mike was not there, can you shave and lose your hair? Ooh oh hoo, Or the dogs hair
This song is appalling; I could've written those lyrics! Who draws the line between amateurs and professionals here? Even Andrew Keen would be confused. He argues that the internet is being destroyed by amateurs masquerading as professionals; well, Hanson stabs a huge thorn in Keen's argument. What would you rather listen to; "amateurs" such as Reina Del Cid, Lionel Neykov, and Susan Boyle, or "professionals" such as Vanilla Ice and Hanson?
If you haven't clicked the Susan Boyle link, you should; she makes Simon Cowell look like a neutered shellfish in the video. Even Da Musical Menace has to admit that he perspired while watching it. Tears? Hell no... um... my air conditioner was broken. Oh look, it appears that I've forgotten about the review, who woulda thunk it? Anways, like I said, Transon, I mean, Hanson sucks. Well, this song sucks, I can't speak for the rest of their music; you can't force me to listen to it, either.
I give this song 3 thumbs down (don't ask). I hate it. Having cute girls doesn't make a band, ladies; you have to be able to read, write, and sing as well. "MmmBop" displays zero musical talent. Why? Because most of it is constructed of meaningless words; words that could have been substituted for substance. Did anyone explain to Hanson that the first set of lyrics is called a ROUGH DRAFT; edit the damn thing before releasing it. I'm getting tired of seeing dictionaries have to create new words for you bastards. It's uncalled for; use lyrics that people can relate to, or at least understand. Oh man, I think I'm gonna be sick. Do not pity me, for I am, Da Musical Menace.
See you soon,
Da Menace
Fortunately, I was in college during the whole Hansen experience, and thus my exposure to them was limited to Dennis Leary's joke "can't you just imagine what these kids are going to look like at 21--strung out on coke in a pile of prostitutes? "What are you doing?" "I don't know what I'm doing--I'm 8 and have credit cards, what the fuck?!?"
ReplyDeleteSeems they have fallen to far off of the pop-culture radar for anyone to care how much coke or how many prostitutes they expose themselves to.