Shaquille O'Neal "Strait Playin'" Review +

Yes, you read correctly; and no, this isn't a basketball blog. Shaq actually graced his horde of fans with a rap album; as if he wasn't dabbling in enough projects at the time. Flashback to 1996, Shaq was a god. He was the "Peyton Manning" of the mid 90's; appearing in television commercials and movies at will. He had his own video game, his own soda bottle, his own movies, and his own music... HIS OWN MUSIC?!? What?

At the time it didn't seem like such a bad idea. Shaq's explosive success gave him the option to do anything he wanted. Donald trump once said: "if you're going to be thinking, might as well think big." If I was arguing in favor of Shaq, I might have elaborated on that quote in an effort to prove a point; however, this Donald Trump quote is more pertinent to our discussion:

"Experience taught me a few things. One is to listen to your gut, no matter how good something sounds on paper. The second is that you're generally better off sticking with what you know. And the third is that sometimes your best investments are the ones you don't make."

Apparently, Shaq never read that quote. Instead of using his influence to make the world a better place; he tapped into every money making scheme possible. Shaq wasn't happy with an appearance on the Wheaties box, or with an NBA championship; however, he should have been. Shaq's extra curricular activities never quite measured up to his performance on the court.

One word comes to mind when I think of Shaq's additional endeavors: STOP. The game "Shaq Fu" was epic fail and one of the worst video games ever. In his review of the game, James Rolfe sums it up as only he can:

"This game falls between the ass crack of basketball fans and fighting game fans; it doesn't please anybody."

Rolfe continues by mentioning a website that is dedicated to destroying every copy the game... yeah, it's that bad. Speaking of terrible Shaq media, his movie "Kazaam" was utter nonsense and a waste of film. The film was so bad, in fact, that it attracted the unfortunate attention of The Nostalgia Critic. His review of the film is spot on, if not a bit harsh:

"To heir is human, to make the worst piece of half-assed cow shit to ever star a bad acting seven foot basketball super star is unforgivable... if this movie was a dog, I'd have it put down. If this movie was a car, I'd have it impounded."

So after failing miserably in two different entertainment mediums, Shaq releases an album. Might as well go for the hat trick, pal. Your past failures should have convinced you otherwise, Mr. O'Neal. Why add to the already ho-hum mid-90's rap selection? Save your country the embarrassment, just play ball.

To put my argument into perspective, consider this. The Big Slam Pepsi Bottle is the most endearing thing Shaq has ever done outside of Basketball. Think about it, the 1-Liter Pepsi bottle is Shaq's equivalent to the George Foreman Grill. If you exclude the fact that the George Foreman Grill has notable health benefits, the two are identical.
Both are extremely useful and will remain a part of American culture forever, unlike Shaq's non-sports related activities. You would think that such an amazing new soda bottling technology would have satisfied Shaq's thirst for the extra curricular...but alas, it didn't.

I guess I have no choice but to discuss the song now. Shaquille O'Neal's "Strait Playin'" is terrible. The lyrics are generic and resemble a bevy of other rap tracks. Of course, what's a rap song without references to the East and West sides? Could you please make a rap track that uses guitar or some orchestral instruments? Hell no, and kick the creativity down a notch too. Also, is everyone a bullet dodging player on the run? Cause we all know Shaq is a hardcore gangster. His "Kazaam" rap song solidifies that incarnation.

I'll admit that Shaq's track isn't as god awful as "Ice Ice Baby" or "Girl you Know it's True"; but that doesn't make it good by any stretch of the imagination. The chorus is unimpressive and spits way too fast. The message is meaningless: I miss playing when I'm playing. What the hell? Come on Shaq, use your influence to better the world, not to bring it toppling down under an incredible weight of suck. Thousands of kids everywhere looked to you for inspiration... and you gave them a generic song depicting yourself as a womanizing gangster. Thanks buddy. I hope Santa took a dump in your oddly shaped stalking.

"Strait Playin'" didn't catch on and never hit the Billboard charts in '96. Luckily, America's shit detecting sensors were firing on all cylinders after the Milli Vanilla Ice Age (the age of early nineties gutter music). The album "You Can't Stop the Reign" managed to only finagle a spot at #82 on the Billboard charts. Coincidentally, only 82 people bought it that weren't Lakers fans. So, in fact, "the Reign" was stopped, much to the delight of ears everywhere. I'm shocked to report that America passed the test. I don't have to explain why the hell we liked "Strait Playin'" so much! However, I fear that my defense of America's nostalgic music taste will be tested again soon. Do not pity me, for I am Da Musical Menace.

See you next week,



Da Menace