Gerardo Mejia's "Rico Suave" Review

Gerardo Mejia, "Rico Suave"

Welcome back for another ridiculously dramatized week of reviews. Next on the chopping block is Gerardo Mejia's "Rico Suave". This wonderful track was released in 1991 and managed to blind Americans long enough to grace the Billboard's Top 100 charts at number 7. Don't ask me why or how; just accept the fact that someone in your family probably fell into the deceptive grasp of "Rico Suave". I'm completely baffled that anyone would fall for this track. I can honestly admit that I never fell for the song. From the tracks release, I hated it; I anticipated the day when I would write a nasty blog about it. Folks, secure your valuables, cause that ill-fated day is upon us.

Milli Vanilli returned their Grammy in 1990; Gerardo Mejia released "Rico Suave" in 1991. Is it just me or does Gerardo Mejia look a lot like Fab Morvan? Everything is starting to make sense now; once Milli Vanilli was exposed, the twins disappeared into the shadows. They plotted and schemed until finally creating a new persona, a Latin American lover they called Gerardo. The Vanilli twins decided they would be less noticeable by sharing the role of Gerardo Mejia; Fab Morvan lost a coin toss and, as a result, was assigned nights and weekends. Under the strict supervision of the armed psychiatrist division, the twins wrote "Rico Suave".

The duo fought to cover any traces that may have linked them back to Vanilli. They changed their writing style, which wasn't hard, since they had never written before. They changed ethnicity, and musical style. More importantly, however, they decided not to lip sync the music. But how? you may ask. They decided to sing half the song in Spanish and rap the other half. Sheer genius. The plan would have went along smoothly, if not for one glaring flaw: they didn't change their wretched wardrobe. Anybody with basic motor skills can see the similarities. The rest of the music world may disregard my opinion, but America, I know the truth. Don't let them keep the wool over your eyes any longer.

Rob and Fab's plan was to win the world over with the Mejia persona; Then, on Y1.5K, they were to reveal their true identities to a stunned crowd. That crowd, elated by the honest return of Milli Vanilli, was to spend more money on shitty music than any crowd in the history of crowds. However, the plan failed, Mejia tanked, the boat sunk, and Milli Vanilli's dreams of redemption were buried. Why? Because the pair still hadn't learned what the fuck a good song was. Professors have stressed the fact one cannot be a great writer, without first reading other authors. I believe that the same applies to music; so, what in the hell were these boneheads listening to?

Listening to this song will set your imagination free. I dare you to listen to it without thinking about your grocery list, homework, loved ones, games, pets, anything. The song is so boring that in order to make sense of it, your brain ignores the music and conjures up thoughts of other things. You haven't even begun to hear my theory as to how Jay Leno got his chin, or how Paris Hilton got her brain. Each time I listen to the song I come up with a remarkably disturbing new theory. Moreover, I still don't know what the hell is going on in the song. Note to Mejia: Make a decision, Spanish or English? Seriously, were they two cheap to record two versions of the song? I don't know about you, but, I kinda like to understand the music I listen to. Most of "Rico Suave" is in another fucking language.

The lyrics that I can understand make me wish that the entire song was in Spanish. The rhymes are tired and dry, they don't flow and feel stuffed together. He drastically slows down and speeds up his voice to fit the words into the rigid melody. There is this crazy collision of sounds that appears in the background that makes me want to just stop the video. Nothing about the song is appealing. I cannot listen to it one more time. Please avoid "Rico Suave" with every fiber of your being. Stay away, do not click the link, do not press play, do not listen for two hundred seconds. Just leave this blog and pretend that you have never heard of Gerardo Mejia or "Rico Suave". Your life will be all the better should you succeed. I am doomed, however, do not pity me, for I am, Da Musical Menace.

See you next week,



Da Menace

Daphne and Celeste's "Ooh Stick You" Review

Welcome back bitches! Did you miss me? I am pleased to announce that I have located a host of new terrible tracks to review. Who would have imagined that other countries' berthed music that rivaled the worst of America's offerings? I never thought anything could top America's mid 90's musical shenanigans. However, Daphne and Celeste's "Ooh Stick You" proves that American musicians weren't the only artists missing the mark.

If you haven't heard of this track, don't be alarmed. "Ooh Stick You" was spread across the UK like a plague in 1999. The disease even managed to affect Australians, where it climbed to an unbelievable number 54 on the billboard charts. Apparently, the UK was jealous of America's shameless musical releases. As a result, the UK music bigwigs held open tryouts in an effort to form their own terrible band. Mission: Success. This is one of the most god-awfully terrible songs I have ever laid ears on. I can't figure this shit out... I know I'm about to use a cliche, but honestly, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

Songs like this give me hope. They make me realize that I have a solid chance of getting my music produced. I could get drunk and write random letters on a dirty cocktail napkin that are better than "Ooh Stick You". I could produce armpit farts more entertaining than this shit. I could crack my knuckles with more rhythm than these bastards have. This is appalling... Just think of all the underground music that never gets airtime because dumb ass disco jockeys are accepting payolas to play garbage music. If you think I'm a little too harsh, you're wrong. I take music seriously; music saved my life and I will not stand idly by while idiots with delusions of phat loot ruin it.

For example: take something you love and let someone take a dump on it and set it on fire. I'm not done, after that, watch them cash in on their actions while mocking you for caring. Would you shake it off and consider yourself a better person for not retaliating? Would you smile and kindly ask "Would you like toilet paper with that?" If you have any type of passion for your interests then you would defend them. I have 100 songs and seven notebooks chalked full of lyrics and "Ooh Stick You" is a fucking insult to every word I've written. These people just happened to be in the right place at the right time and they get thrust into a music career. What about the people who actually work for success?

An appropriate comparison would pertain to education. How would you feel if your Bachelor's degree netted you less money than a fast food employee? I think you get the point. Anyways, I'm gonna block quote some of this atrocity for the folks who either didn't have time, or were too scared, to click the link.

"Ooh Stick You", Intro, etc:

Hi this is my friend Daphne, and I'm Celeste, (Ooh stick you, Your momma too, and your daddy) *5, Ooh stick you, Ooh-stick you, Your momma, Your daddy, your greasy greasy grand mammy, Got a hole in your panty, Got a big behind like Frankenstein, Go deep deep deep down down to the street, Toot toot too wear army boots, In your ear, With a can of beer, Up your but with a coconut, (chorus), You go girl, (hey oh, aight) *3, Hey oh, You want me tell you what I really think about you, You got facial hair like a polar bear, you blow up like a totem that explodes, Your face looks mean like Halloween, You got big red eyes like cherry pies, You got the IQ of a didgeridoo, You look insane and got no brain, You got a big fat belly like a bowl full of jelly, In fact my mommy looks like free willy, (chorus)

For those who didn't watch the vid, I'm not joking, those are the actual lyrics. I'm dead serious, check your calendars, April first is next week. Besides, would I lie to you? Well, I'm pretty sure those are the lyrics, at least, that is what I heard. I don't simply find a website that has the lyrics and regurgitate them for your pleasure; I listen to the track on repeat and record the lyrics as I hear them. In fact, I listen to the songs I review on repeat as I produce my evaluations; while the process is much more dangerous to my health, I feel that the results allow me to more effectively produce the rigid can of whoopass that you have come to know and love. Bashing terrible music isn't as easy as you may imagine, it takes a disgusting form of self mutilated motivation that only Da Musical Menace can deliver. I'm fucked up people, come get some!

You may have noticed that I talked about myself a little more than usual in this review. The reason for my individualism is stemmed from the fact that I get absolutely nothing (but a headache) from "Ooh Stick You". Perhaps my subconscious is subliminally attempting to explain the cause of my anger? Perhaps these reviews have pushed me so far over the edge that I simply cannot maintain focus on another terrible song? Whatever the reason, I get pleasure from this exposition, so don't expect me to retire anytime soon.

Okay, back to the review. By now, I have probably influenced you to succumb to your desire to click the link. If so, you're probably curious as to why I even typed a word. I mean, the evidence speaks for itself; nothing more than a link to the video was necessary. However, I have a job to do, and I intend to finish it. "Ooh Stick You" is a musical compilation of cut downs and "your momma" jokes, set to a beat. The song makes absolutely no fucking sense and manages to top my list of "Worst Songs in the History of Mankind". Folks, I'm not sure that I will ever find another song this terrible. I should have saved this review for last, cause there may not be a more terrible song in the history of music. I'm so happy that this bastard stepchild wasn't conceived on American shores!

In conclusion, I would rather eat a nuclear missile than to have to listen to this song again after today. I would rather shove a coconut up my butt than to have to suffer through this sacrilege again. I would rather re-enact a game of frogger on the crosstown expressway; I would rather play cricket with Tom Cruise, or arm wrestle Hulk Hogan. I would rather attempt to potty train Hellen Keller, or go skinny dipping in shark infested waters. I'd rather let Mike Tyson kiss my ear, or play footsies with Rosanne Barr. I'd rather eat a bowl of sh... uhhh, well, maybe that's too much... Look, I hate this fucking song, it's a waste of time, it's a festering blister on the ass of music, it's a crime that deserves death, it's a terrible excuse to swallow a bullet, it's a fucking joke that I just don't get, it's bullshit, no, it's bullshit AND piss. This song is fucked up. Game over. Do not pity me, for I am Da Musical Menace.

See you next week,



Da Menace


P.S: If you still think I'm being too harsh, ponder this song, U.G.L.Y., or the bashing the girls received at Reading 2000. Hey, at least I'm not hurling random objects at them. I may actually have to review two songs from the same group. I get it now, this band was formed solely to be the worst band in the history of the universe. Brilliant!


P.S.S: Oh my God, here's another song from the girls that may be even worse than the other two, "I Love Your Sushi". From now on, I may have to dedicate my reviews solely to Daphne and Celeste songs. Nothing is worse than this.

LFO "Summer Girls" Review

Lyte Funky Ones "Summer Girls"


Ponder the vid before you dive into the review :)

Light Funky Ones' track "Summer Girls", released on July 6th, 1999, proved the music industry hadn't forgotten the terrible songs of yore; "Summer Girls" was born in an attempt to trump them all. Such a brave task was only suitable for a Chef (boyardee), an icon (Bobby Brown), a Baseball Champion (juicer), or a completely horrendous song that portrays random thoughts as fucking song lyrics ("Summer Girls").

The first stage of music denial recovery is admittance. However, I refuse to admit that I ever liked this song. I never listened to a radio station that accepted monetary payment to repeat "Summer Girls". I never bought the single, and I don't have it in my CD case, right next to the Backstreet Boys... ok, ok, you got me, I do,... but let me explain... please? First, they are both in the 'UFFP' CD case. The abbreviation expanded is 'Unfit for Fireplace'. Terrible music CD's release harmful fumes of suckage when burned that may affect other artists. Second, we all have favorite songs of the past that we're ashamed of (don't we?). Come on, how many times have you caught yourself singing "The Song that Doesn't End"? Third, those tracks taught me what it means to blow; they provided me with an established list of musical not to-do's. And Finally, without those tracks, my generation wouldn't have anything musical to bitch about.

Get out your croquet sticks, cause it's time to punch some balls. LFO apparently stands for Look the Fuck Out, because Americans didn't see the perpetrators sneak up and spike their punch. Somehow, "Summer Girls" did surprisingly well after its release. LFO offered free crotch kicks to everyone, and we lined up in anticipation. Why? Looking back, I really can't explain it... the lyrics have less appeal than a grocery list, the melody is mute behind the steady flow of lyrics, and the cheese factor of this track could topple the Velveeta corporation. Just take a look (if you dare):

"Summer Girls" Intro and Chorus:

Yeah, I like it when the girls stop by, in the summer, do you remember, do you remember, when we met, that summer?, new kids on the block had a bunch a hits, Chinese food makes me sick, and I think it's fly when the girls stop by for the summer, for the summer, I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch, I take her if I had one wish, she's been gone since that summer, since that summer

Well, apparently musical expression involves the denunciation of Chinese food. Why is that line in the song? Have the artists ever heard of school? Guys, that line doesn't match your thesis statement. You were talking about the past, why in the hell should we be notified of your current fear of Chinese cuisine? And why do you guys prefer summer girls as opposed to spring, fall, and ultra spicy autumn girls? This is baffling, someone call Ben Stein, cause we need a professional opinion.

Verse One:

Hip hop mama named spic and span, met you one summer and it all began, you're the best girl that I ever did see, the great Larry Bird jersey 33, when you take a sip you buzz like a hornet, Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch a sonnets, call me willy whistle cause I can't speak baby, something in your eyes really drove me crazy, now I can't forget you and it makes me mad, left one day and never came back, stayed all summer then went back home, McCulley Culkin wasn't home alone, fell deep in love but now we ain't speakin, Micheal J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton, when I met you I said my name was Rich, you look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch

Okay, so let me get this straight. You fell in love with a girl named after a cleaning product? Is her sister, Scrubbing Bubbles, available? I always thought she was hot. You compared your girl to a sweaty basketball jersey, how romantic. You stated obvious facts about Shakespeare, completely oblivious to the fact that he didn't write anything on the summer in question. Apparently, both you and your girl have speech impediments; you can't talk and she resembles a humming bird. Seriously, is this some kind of ancient code language? Perhaps the secret to the location of the Holy Grail lies hidden behind these lyrics. If so ladies and gentlemen, the location is safe; no one will ever decipher this inaudible expulsion of forwardly propelled excrement.

Verse Two:

Cherry pants cold crotch rock stud boogie, used to hate school so I had to play hookie, always been hip to the big boy style, known to act wild and make a girl smile, love new edition and the candy girl, remind me a you because you rock my world, you come from Georgia where the peaches grow, they drink lemonade and speak real slow, you love hip hop and rock and roll, your dad took off when you were four years old, there was a good man named Paul Revere, I feel much better baby when you're near, you love fun dip and cherry coke, I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke

Let me begin by asking you where to begin. So, where do I begin? Did LFO just call Paul Revere 'baby'? Why in the hell do you guys belittle Georgians? What in the hell is a "Cherry pants cold crotch rock stud boogie"? It takes absolutely no skill to come up with nonsense; look, I can do it too: 'Billy Banks Bob Sled Big Bad Wookie, Used to Cut Fowl now I Cut Whole Turkeys'. See LFO, it's easy! My head is about to explode, seriously, I feel pressure. Quick, fetch me a bottle of HeadOn.

Sure, this song was a flash in the pan that enjoyed moderate success. We ate it up before realizing that it was actually Pizza Hut, not gourmet. Eventually, the dish was dissed and left permeating in a dumpster. Time moved on and LFO got buried. To their credit, the song does represent a touch of that care free summer feeling; I don't despise it as much as some songs I've reviewed. However, "Summer Girls" has the most off the wall ass randomness of them all. The focus shifts from random accomplishments in history, to admiring one girl and many, and back to apparent mental blurbs that happen to match the melody. It's a good idea gone horribly wrong; a song that, with a little refinement, could have been a staple summer vibe. Instead, all "Summer Girls" produces is a memory of a quirky track that had us fooled for a week. Do not pity me, for I am... pitying the idiots behind the production of this track.

See you next week,



Da Menace

Katie Perry "I Kissed a Girl" Review

Back again? Well, I have an ass load of shit to drop on you this week. Somehow, I managed to decide to attempt to review "I Kissed a Girl" by Katie Perry. Why did I decide to attempt to review this atrocious attempt at a quick buck? Great question. One I'm still pondering as I write this. I used the word 'attempt' because I really don't know how to go forward with this review. I could easily begin, and end, this review with a single sentence: Katie Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" is an atrocious waste of air space that attempts to cash in on immature alcoholics with aspirations; however, it succeeds only in making Vanilla Ice look like Tupac Shakur.

If you've read one of my previous posts; you're probably wondering why I didn't post a link to the 'song'. I have a perfectly logical explanation for my omission: I refuse to assist you in the viewing of the video. I do not think my conscience is strong enough to deal with such a crime. How would I sleep at night with the knowledge that I assisted others in the viewing of "I Kissed a Girl"? Better yet, how would you sleep at night after watching it? In short, I omitted the link for your protection. Feel free to thank me monetarily (in small, unmarked bills).

This is where I usually present research or interesting facts. Not this week. I have a limit folks; some torture is too much for even Da Menace. I can't willingly search info on this song. In fact, it would take a handgun to persuade me to 'Google' Katie Perry. I've heard the song plenty of times; I was force fed that damn song all last summer. Why? Because of the schmuck who controlled the office radio; and his undying loyalty to his favorite radio station. Sadly, he died in a freak polka accident a few days before I left the country... I mean, went on vacation.

The lyrics are terrible, meaningless, and downright unnecessary. Before the haters start chirping, let me make one thing clear. My dislike for this song is NOT rooted in a dislike for the Lesbian and Gay community. "I Kissed a Girl" has nothing to do with said community; it's about a drunk ass party girl who is too hopped up on X to logistically comprehend the repercussions of her actions. Therefore, she kisses a girl in an attempt to rile up a crowd of 40 year old virgins while simultaneously testing the strength of her relationship. Sound deep? I sure as hell hope not. This song is a fucking waste.

I do not condone the illegal downloading of music; in fact, I'm against it. However, it's songs like this that nearly justify the theft. If an artist is going to be so money hungry as to release a song like "I Kissed a Girl", they don't deserve positive compensation. A big reason why the industry is slumping is because the business end of it is affecting the music. Record labels are so concerned with making that next big star that they are overlooking the content. Most of the soul we want in our music is being replaced with heartless one liners and robotic imagery. By 'robotic imagery' I mean that they are painting the same picture, with slightly different shades. Come up with something deep and original, not a stupid rehash of something done, or a complete joke of a song like "I Kissed a Girl".

Message to artists like Katie Perry: Don't fucking bite the hand that feeds. Don't expect fans to buy into your schemes for long. Most music fans require that their favorite musicians actually try. Be warned that to maintain your career, you may have to pull something from somewhere besides your ass. Surprise music fans with the depth of originality and precision; don't force us to suffer through another generic song based on a one liner. For some reason, radio stations feed off of controversial shit like "I Kissed a Girl"; and that forces listeners who actually enjoy tuning in to abandon their posts. It's songs like this that make me praise the invention of the I-Pod.

While I'm aware that my blog is based on reviewing terrible music of the 90's; I couldn't avoid reviewing "I Kissed a Girl". The track will undoubtedly be talked about, in the future, with the same regards used to discuss Vanilla Ice and Milli Vanilli. In fact, "I Kissed a Girl" takes the idiot torch from 90's artists and runs with it; praying to somehow transcend American culture and become talked about for ages. Well, in that case, "I Kissed a Girl" succeeds with flying colors; cause I'll be talking about the depth of suckage present in this atrocity for ages. Bravo!

Don't... Pity Me, for I am,



Da Musical Menace