Gerardo Mejia, "Rico Suave"
Welcome back for another ridiculously dramatized week of reviews. Next on the chopping block is Gerardo Mejia's "Rico Suave". This wonderful track was released in 1991 and managed to blind Americans long enough to grace the Billboard's Top 100 charts at number 7. Don't ask me why or how; just accept the fact that someone in your family probably fell into the deceptive grasp of "Rico Suave". I'm completely baffled that anyone would fall for this track. I can honestly admit that I never fell for the song. From the tracks release, I hated it; I anticipated the day when I would write a nasty blog about it. Folks, secure your valuables, cause that ill-fated day is upon us.
Milli Vanilli returned their Grammy in 1990; Gerardo Mejia released "Rico Suave" in 1991. Is it just me or does Gerardo Mejia look a lot like Fab Morvan? Everything is starting to make sense now; once Milli Vanilli was exposed, the twins disappeared into the shadows. They plotted and schemed until finally creating a new persona, a Latin American lover they called Gerardo. The Vanilli twins decided they would be less noticeable by sharing the role of Gerardo Mejia; Fab Morvan lost a coin toss and, as a result, was assigned nights and weekends. Under the strict supervision of the armed psychiatrist division, the twins wrote "Rico Suave".
The duo fought to cover any traces that may have linked them back to Vanilli. They changed their writing style, which wasn't hard, since they had never written before. They changed ethnicity, and musical style. More importantly, however, they decided not to lip sync the music. But how? you may ask. They decided to sing half the song in Spanish and rap the other half. Sheer genius. The plan would have went along smoothly, if not for one glaring flaw: they didn't change their wretched wardrobe. Anybody with basic motor skills can see the similarities. The rest of the music world may disregard my opinion, but America, I know the truth. Don't let them keep the wool over your eyes any longer.
Rob and Fab's plan was to win the world over with the Mejia persona; Then, on Y1.5K, they were to reveal their true identities to a stunned crowd. That crowd, elated by the honest return of Milli Vanilli, was to spend more money on shitty music than any crowd in the history of crowds. However, the plan failed, Mejia tanked, the boat sunk, and Milli Vanilli's dreams of redemption were buried. Why? Because the pair still hadn't learned what the fuck a good song was. Professors have stressed the fact one cannot be a great writer, without first reading other authors. I believe that the same applies to music; so, what in the hell were these boneheads listening to?
Listening to this song will set your imagination free. I dare you to listen to it without thinking about your grocery list, homework, loved ones, games, pets, anything. The song is so boring that in order to make sense of it, your brain ignores the music and conjures up thoughts of other things. You haven't even begun to hear my theory as to how Jay Leno got his chin, or how Paris Hilton got her brain. Each time I listen to the song I come up with a remarkably disturbing new theory. Moreover, I still don't know what the hell is going on in the song. Note to Mejia: Make a decision, Spanish or English? Seriously, were they two cheap to record two versions of the song? I don't know about you, but, I kinda like to understand the music I listen to. Most of "Rico Suave" is in another fucking language.
The lyrics that I can understand make me wish that the entire song was in Spanish. The rhymes are tired and dry, they don't flow and feel stuffed together. He drastically slows down and speeds up his voice to fit the words into the rigid melody. There is this crazy collision of sounds that appears in the background that makes me want to just stop the video. Nothing about the song is appealing. I cannot listen to it one more time. Please avoid "Rico Suave" with every fiber of your being. Stay away, do not click the link, do not press play, do not listen for two hundred seconds. Just leave this blog and pretend that you have never heard of Gerardo Mejia or "Rico Suave". Your life will be all the better should you succeed. I am doomed, however, do not pity me, for I am, Da Musical Menace.
See you next week,
Da Menace
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Thankfully for me, I have never seen the video or listened to Rico Suave's song for that matter. But I can't help but wonder,"How bad can it be?" Like you said, it did make number seven on Billboard's top 100. In all honesty, it's probably a better song than most of the rap songs I've been hearing lately. Rap has been in a slow-downward spiral over the past couple of years; and once I heard that Soldier Boy's Superman song the first time and the popularity it drew, I knew that was the sound of rap's integrity down the drain. But that's my opinion
ReplyDeleteYes, it was awful, but you're trying to tell me you've never uttered those two words in a low voice?
ReplyDeleteOh, and 5 points if you can do it without laughing at yourself.