If you haven't heard of this track, don't be alarmed. "Ooh Stick You" was spread across the UK like a plague in 1999. The disease even managed to affect Australians, where it climbed to an unbelievable number 54 on the billboard charts. Apparently, the UK was jealous of America's shameless musical releases. As a result, the UK music bigwigs held open tryouts in an effort to form their own terrible band. Mission: Success. This is one of the most god-awfully terrible songs I have ever laid ears on. I can't figure this shit out... I know I'm about to use a cliche, but honestly, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?
Songs like this give me hope. They make me realize that I have a solid chance of getting my music produced. I could get drunk and write random letters on a dirty cocktail napkin that are better than "Ooh Stick You". I could produce armpit farts more entertaining than this shit. I could crack my knuckles with more rhythm than these bastards have. This is appalling... Just think of all the underground music that never gets airtime because dumb ass disco jockeys are accepting payolas to play garbage music. If you think I'm a little too harsh, you're wrong. I take music seriously; music saved my life and I will not stand idly by while idiots with delusions of phat loot ruin it.
For example: take something you love and let someone take a dump on it and set it on fire. I'm not done, after that, watch them cash in on their actions while mocking you for caring. Would you shake it off and consider yourself a better person for not retaliating? Would you smile and kindly ask "Would you like toilet paper with that?" If you have any type of passion for your interests then you would defend them. I have 100 songs and seven notebooks chalked full of lyrics and "Ooh Stick You" is a fucking insult to every word I've written. These people just happened to be in the right place at the right time and they get thrust into a music career. What about the people who actually work for success?
An appropriate comparison would pertain to education. How would you feel if your Bachelor's degree netted you less money than a fast food employee? I think you get the point. Anyways, I'm gonna block quote some of this atrocity for the folks who either didn't have time, or were too scared, to click the link.
"Ooh Stick You", Intro, etc:
Hi this is my friend Daphne, and I'm Celeste, (Ooh stick you, Your momma too, and your daddy) *5, Ooh stick you, Ooh-stick you, Your momma, Your daddy, your greasy greasy grand mammy, Got a hole in your panty, Got a big behind like Frankenstein, Go deep deep deep down down to the street, Toot toot too wear army boots, In your ear, With a can of beer, Up your but with a coconut, (chorus), You go girl, (hey oh, aight) *3, Hey oh, You want me tell you what I really think about you, You got facial hair like a polar bear, you blow up like a totem that explodes, Your face looks mean like Halloween, You got big red eyes like cherry pies, You got the IQ of a didgeridoo, You look insane and got no brain, You got a big fat belly like a bowl full of jelly, In fact my mommy looks like free willy, (chorus)
For those who didn't watch the vid, I'm not joking, those are the actual lyrics. I'm dead serious, check your calendars, April first is next week. Besides, would I lie to you? Well, I'm pretty sure those are the lyrics, at least, that is what I heard. I don't simply find a website that has the lyrics and regurgitate them for your pleasure; I listen to the track on repeat and record the lyrics as I hear them. In fact, I listen to the songs I review on repeat as I produce my evaluations; while the process is much more dangerous to my health, I feel that the results allow me to more effectively produce the rigid can of whoopass that you have come to know and love. Bashing terrible music isn't as easy as you may imagine, it takes a disgusting form of self mutilated motivation that only Da Musical Menace can deliver. I'm fucked up people, come get some!
You may have noticed that I talked about myself a little more than usual in this review. The reason for my individualism is stemmed from the fact that I get absolutely nothing (but a headache) from "Ooh Stick You". Perhaps my subconscious is subliminally attempting to explain the cause of my anger? Perhaps these reviews have pushed me so far over the edge that I simply cannot maintain focus on another terrible song? Whatever the reason, I get pleasure from this exposition, so don't expect me to retire anytime soon.
Okay, back to the review. By now, I have probably influenced you to succumb to your desire to click the link. If so, you're probably curious as to why I even typed a word. I mean, the evidence speaks for itself; nothing more than a link to the video was necessary. However, I have a job to do, and I intend to finish it. "Ooh Stick You" is a musical compilation of cut downs and "your momma" jokes, set to a beat. The song makes absolutely no fucking sense and manages to top my list of "Worst Songs in the History of Mankind". Folks, I'm not sure that I will ever find another song this terrible. I should have saved this review for last, cause there may not be a more terrible song in the history of music. I'm so happy that this bastard stepchild wasn't conceived on American shores!
In conclusion, I would rather eat a nuclear missile than to have to listen to this song again after today. I would rather shove a coconut up my butt than to have to suffer through this sacrilege again. I would rather re-enact a game of frogger on the crosstown expressway; I would rather play cricket with Tom Cruise, or arm wrestle Hulk Hogan. I would rather attempt to potty train Hellen Keller, or go skinny dipping in shark infested waters. I'd rather let Mike Tyson kiss my ear, or play footsies with Rosanne Barr. I'd rather eat a bowl of sh... uhhh, well, maybe that's too much... Look, I hate this fucking song, it's a waste of time, it's a festering blister on the ass of music, it's a crime that deserves death, it's a terrible excuse to swallow a bullet, it's a fucking joke that I just don't get, it's bullshit, no, it's bullshit AND piss. This song is fucked up. Game over. Do not pity me, for I am Da Musical Menace.
See you next week,
Da Menace
P.S: If you still think I'm being too harsh, ponder this song, U.G.L.Y., or the bashing the girls received at Reading 2000. Hey, at least I'm not hurling random objects at them. I may actually have to review two songs from the same group. I get it now, this band was formed solely to be the worst band in the history of the universe. Brilliant!
P.S.S: Oh my God, here's another song from the girls that may be even worse than the other two, "I Love Your Sushi". From now on, I may have to dedicate my reviews solely to Daphne and Celeste songs. Nothing is worse than this.
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